A poodle for Obama

In a down-to-the-wire, heart-stopping photo finish, the American Kennel Club announced last week that the Poodle had eked out a narrow victory over the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier in its evidently-unnamed poll of American voters. Here's video of the press conference.

Update: See what Misty the Alpha Poodle has to say about this.

The Obamas are currently dogless, but Barack has promised Malia and Sasha that after the campaign he'll get a dog. So AKC asked America to vote on which of five hypoallergenic breeds (the kids have allergies) the family should get: Poodle, Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier, Bichon Frise, Miniature Schnauzer, or the Don-King-lookalike Chinese Crested. Forty-two thousand voted, and they picked the poodle.

Herewith, a guide to poodles:

Standard Poodle	This is the original, developed in Germany to retrieve waterfowl and poorly hit golf balls. The funny-looking haircuts often inflicted on Poodles are said to be derived from a functional clip that was intended to leave insulating hair over the joints while the rest of the coat was shorn to reduce drag. This story fails, however, to account for either ribbons or rhinestone collars. Poodles are available in many colors, including black, blue, white, cream, red, apricot, silver and brown, and can be special-ordered in snazzy combinations of these colors. The deep candy-flake finishes popular in the 1960s are now considered a fault and will result in disqualification in the show ring. John Steinbeck wrote his wonderful Travels With Charley about a cross-country trip he took with a Standard Poodle whose name escapes me. Shockingly, the book appears to be out of print except in this Library of America collection.
Substandard Poodle	Sadly, there are poodles that just don't make the grade. You know the type: raggedy, shiftless shirkers out for a quick buck and lookin' for the next thing smokin'. They'll chase any tail, even their own. They'll hang back under the awning while the decent, hardworking types who came to this country looking for a better life are on the corner chivvying the straw bosses for a day's work. If you tell one of these dogs Jesus saves, he'll hit Him up for a loan. If I had a poodle, this would probably be it.
French Poodle	France also claims to be the place of origin for the poodle, which some may think is like claiming to be where herpes began. This poodle thinks it's both logical and romantic, blithely ignoring two basic principles: You can't be both; and if you think you're either, you're not. Sits in sidewalk cafes drinking charred coffee by day and wine by night, pretending to read incomprehensible philosophers while scoping for impressionable American dogs to hit on. Smokes French cigarettes made of used tires and occasionally sips noxious disinfectants like cassis and Campari.
Miniature Poodle	Just like a Standard Poodle, but smaller, flightier, and much more likely to faint. Not available with opera windows or whitewall tires. The Mini-Poo once set the standard for small, pointless dogs, but it has since been far surpassed. See below.
Toy Poodle	Developed for those intimidated by the gravitas of the Miniature Poodle, the Toy Poodle features a bark like Satan's dentist's drill and pointy little teeth that can find your ankle no matter how thickly and expensively shod. The barking of this dog has been known to set up a harmonic vibration that can shatter windows, masonry structures, and in at least one documented case, an entire planet.
Teacup Poodle	The Teacup Poodle is a further tinyfication of the Toy Poodle, intended for use by adults as a napkin or moist towelette, or by children as a handy way to dispose of unwanted vegetables. Also favored by those who, for whatever reason, feel a need to keep a dog secreted about their persons at all times. The Teacup Poodle is frequently accessorized with sweet and sour, barbecue, or new zesty ranch dipping sauce.

In Development: Shotglass Poodle, Eyedropper Poodle

Comments

[jackie]

i was so hoping they would just get a pound doggie..poodles are ok dogs but pound dogs have needs..
maybe they could adopt palin's new grandbaby..?

[Cap'n Chucky]

Mutts, particularly rescue mutts, absolutely rule. I weighed in on this matter back when I first heard about the AKC contest (http://capnchucky.typepad.com/heartofdogness/2008/08/in-dog-we-trust-in-time.html).
Maybe they could go for a rescue poodle (http://www.poodlerescuene.org/).

[Tony]

As a Poodle person I think this is hilarious & also brilliant